Lavish Rebellion [DOT COM]

Healing is difficult. When they say it comes in waves, they weren’t lying!

And a part of healing includes taking inward accountability, even if you were moreso the victim soon victor than the assailant.

You know, I’ve written a lot about how people have hurt me and the aftermath of having to deal with it. To disclose a hard truth, I too have hurt people. While often unaware of it, there are times looking back and reflecting, I could safely assume that possibly I did depending on the situation. (By no means, don’t gaslight yourself either). And other times, I knew my actions weren’t right. It’s not a forte of mine to hurt people, but being human will undoubtedly include foul behavior and decisions. How embarrassing.

I’ve also allowed the cruelty of others as my reason to completely spiral, joining them in the lowest pit they’re currently at. My spiraling mainly consists of saying terrible things back and massive gesticulation. Most haven’t seen this side of me and that’s likely because they aren’t a raging narcissist. (It’s also not a pleasant place to be). But like so many, I’ve argued and tried to verbally overpower the types of people that could be categorized as hurt people hurt people and misery loves company.

I can’t speak for them, but I also feel immense shame and disappointment in myself after the shouting has stopped. On the flip side, I can’t tell if they feel guilty or any shame at all. It seems that those that have caused pain almost take pride in it. Have you ever felt that way?

“Oh, thunder only happens when it’s rainin’
Players only love you when they’re playin’
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
You’ll know”

-“Dreams”, Fleetwood Mac

“I think she’s the saddest girl to ever hold a martini.” -Vanilla Sky (2001)

Anyway…

I recently got reacquainted with the 2001 film Vanilla Sky and while I remain confused as hell midway through the movie; visually, it’s a cozy watch. The autumn aesthetic strewn throughout what I think is Manhattan’s Upper West Side. Then there’s Tom Cruise’s character’s apartment, Jason Lee serving looks with his facial hair and long coat, the slow introduction of Penelope Cruz to American audiences (at the time).

There’s also the performance of Cameron Diaz as Julianna Gianni. While I didn’t understand her character’s frustration with David (Cruise’s character) back in the ’00s, and thank God I didn’t because I was fourteen when I first saw Vanilla Sky. In later years, I’ve become empathetic to Julianna. Based on comments I’ve come across here and there under clips of the movie, it seems other viewers have come around too. Maybe we all just grew up in the time since we first watched it. Wild how things hit different when you’re a grown-up. Or at least cognizant of how reckless we can be with each other.

For example, I’m sure we’ve all been a Sofia (played by Cruz) once to someone, the apple of someone’s eye.

In Vanilla Sky, David’s instantly infatuated with her when she arrives at his birthday party as a guest of Jason Lee’s character. He also holds Sofia to a higher regard than Julianna who he uses as a convenient “friend,” and in return, she get’s treated like crap and disposable. Julianna attempted to be the cool girl and undermined her feelings for David. Until she doesn’t.

The film also reminded me of Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill.” What a calming jam that song is.

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going “Boom-boom-boom”
“Son, ” he said
“Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home”
Hey, back home

-“Solsbury Hill,” Peter Gabriel

Also, the title of this post is lifted from the 2024 film Hard Truths. It’s the second film I’ve seen this year and my first time seeing the cinematic pairing of filmmaker Mike Leigh and actress Marianne Jean-Baptiste. Together, they earned raves for their work on Leigh’s 1996 film Secrets & Lies, and Jean-Baptiste was nominated for an Academy Award. (I also watched her, last month, in the horror flick In Fabric).

In short, the film slowly but surely unveils why Pansy, played by Jean-Baptiste, is hilariously at first, uncomfortably in the middle, and sadly in the end devastatingly, unrelentingly irascible. You almost don’t see it coming, the feeling sad for her part. But it makes sense as your judgment comes down while watching Pansy barely making it day in and day out because she’s all but become accustomed to depression and the remains of lingering trauma. Only her sister Chantelle, portrayed by Michele Austin, offers some respite and doesn’t give up on her, despite Pansy’s at times harsh clapbacks and overall attitude.

Taking place in the U.K., all the lead and supporting characters are portrayed by black British actors and I really enjoyed how Caribbean lineage was actively a part of their interactions, mannerisms, and in the little details. At times, it felt like I was watching family members! And the meet-up of British and Caribbean accents was delightful to me.

It was also impressive how Mike Leigh, who is a white man, gave so much beautiful space to the film’s scenes of utter joy expressed through Hard Truths‘ other black female characters. There are at least 2-3 scenes of just laughter and inside jokes and it’s heartwarming to watch.

So whether through Pansy and all of the characters, when their depression, insecurities and shortcomings were at the forefront, Leigh treated it all with sincerity and empathy. At its core, the film showcases the universal experience of anguish. And how refreshing it is to view non-white characters living such universal, hard truths about life because we all go through it, don’t we?

“Chasin’ fatter ass and fake connections
Chasin’ façades in all directions
Chances are I’ve got no direction
Beggin’ my angels for protection

Danger arise and I deflect it
New dick arrives and I erect it
Beggin’ my angels for protection
Thankin’ my stars, livin’ reckless, oh”

-“Seek & Destroy,” SZA