Today, I cried…again (dammit)…and not just because of the aforementioned sadness of being “just 1” again, but for the hard truth that I’m still in the process of moving on. It’s been a tribulation and necessary growing pain that like the situation associated with it, has come in waves.
Some days, I’m just flying. Nothing, no one can stop me. I go to bed with a smile on my face, happy not having to deal with a man that behaves senile in every possibility of the word. Other days, sometimes the next day, I feel I might self combust. It’s frightening. It is frightening just how things can change and we then proceed to replace them or it. We know the truth in that the emotional process takes so much longer than we prefer, even anticipate. We can pretend on the outside, but our minds stay static on what has occurred.
Four months into the new year, and so much and so little has taken place. I still don’t know if I should forgive myself, as God to forgive me, to forgive the one person that has hurt me for my own peaceful purposes, or just pretend it never happened, which is impossible. Lately, quotes, slogans, and sweetly aspirational messages flood my thoughts when I’ve been otherwise downtrodden. Some are sassy (“Don’t chase them. Replace them”); plenty of somber tales (“It’s the broken promises that are hard to get over”, “Just so we’re clear: It’s okay to miss people you no longer want in your life”), and introspective reminders (“Being human was the hardest thing I ever had to do”). While platforms like Instagram and Tumblr can be narcissistic to a fault, it is soothing to read these things, especially when they fall in your sight just in time. Maybe you are not alone. Somebody understands your heartbreak, rejection and feeling down. It has happened to the best and worst of us. Maybe it was just our time to feel how the other side feels when they were betrayed.
We all say and have done things we regret. While headstrong society has condemned regret, it’s a realistic aftermath when not just for things ending, but for when they end so horribly, you wonder what did I really do to deserve this? Some might even ask why me? Some would respond, why not?
Along with trying to keep my head above water, I also ponder if the universe was trying to help me. I sometimes feel just as lonely as I did when they person was next to me as I do now. Am I really better off? The universe, the powers that be know what I went through. My day, our days, will come as long as I walk out the door every morning am blessed to be alive because we know these that have hurt us our living theirs. Why thank you, I think I’ll do the same.
-C. Shardae Jobson
JAM of the DAY! “Best Be Believing” by AlunaGeorge